I wake up and wonder, “Am I going to ride the rollercoaster again?”
I can feel it inside.
Slowly inching ever upward, the joy is overflowing. We’re talking rainbows and unicorns folks.
Then, suddenly, my body is frozen in anticipation.
When and where and how will I fall?
The unknown is nearing unbearable status.
The twists and turns. The highs to the lows.
Adrenaline flowing at a feverish rate.
Sounds amazing, right?
Wrong.
Now, let me clarify the picture even further.
I am not at a theme park and I am not actually boarding a physical thrill ride.
Physically, I’m pacing to nowhere in particular.
Emotionally?
Well, emotionally, I’ve boarded the wildest rollercoaster imaginable— my first mammogram since ringing the bell.
How will it turn out?
What will the oncologists say?
Did the cancer return?
Or, and this is a miraculous or, am I still in remission?
I thought I understood turmoil after having battled cancer.
I thought the outpouring of emotion would be over once I was deemed cancer-free.
I was wrong.
It all started as a result of a routine mammogram the year before. I was pretty healthy and no one in my family had cancer.
I wasn’t expecting the news.
It was a smack in the face. A blow to reality.
I didn’t know what the year would bring.
It was terrifying.
However, through treatment and a helping hand from above, I survived the unknown.
Here I sit, waiting to see if my life will be rocked and turned upside down again from the same test.
This time is different.
Now, I know what to expect if my mammogram results are positive.
It is the knowing and, yet simultaneous not knowing that is real turmoil.
A few more days and I will know.
A few more days of riding a not so average rollercoaster.