Having a plan and acting upon said plan are two completely different things. I have many plans in my head and there they have remained—in my head. I’d like to put them in action, but every time I try something comes up. You know an unscheduled doctors appointment, a friend in need, Wednesday. The list goes on and the plan remains merely an internal whimsy.
Today, I’ve decided to become an internal archeologist and choose to dig deeper into this pattern of inactivity and disconnect. I have the tools for the job- flashlight for looking in the deep recesses of the mind, magnifying glass to see the minute details and a cross to ward off all the hidden demons. I sit quietly and chisel away the levels of protection that have been amassed over the years. In an almost trance like state, I repeat over and over, “What is the real reason, I procrastinate instead of freely create?”
Finally, the answer comes. No neon signs, no shouting, no fireworks. Just quiet honesty bringing me the answer. The answer is a mere four letters. No, not time. I thought this might be the answer. It makes sense I don’t accomplish my plans because I don’t have time for them. I concluded though that I could always find time. No, the four letters aren’t hate. Although I struggle with self esteem and battle self-hate, this is not holding me back. The four letters holding me back from making my plans a reality is fear.
Fear in so many ways and yet not obvious ones. I do not fear what will come out. I am actually intrigued with that idea. I have stories to tell and smiles and laughter to create. I fear that once it is out, that it can never go back in. I guess I suffer from genie in a bottle syndrome. If I act on my plans, then things are bound to change. I will become the person I want to be and that frightens me.
Armed with this new found knowledge, will I be able to act upon my plans? The future only knows, but I do know that I will continue being an internal archeologist and I will keep digging to find the person I am meant to be.
Happy digging
Well, I didn’t see fear coming! I really enjoyed the read. Thank you